Read these jokes that i have found. They are bound to get to rolling on the floor with laughter!
Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair, streaked red tie and white shoes, he screamed in his mind, "OH MY GOD! THIS CAN'T BE IT, WOMEN!"
Since he had no choice, he had a wild idea. "If you can make a sentance out of GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK, I'll give you this job."
Ah huay thought awhile, and said. "I heard the phone go GREEN GREEN GREEN! Than I go PINK up the phone, and said, "YELLOW? BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Don't PURPLEly go disturb people, and dont call BLACK, ok? Kum siah."
The manager fainted.
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Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10.Not only did he do it from 1 to 10, he also did it from 10 back to 1 as well. This is his story.
1 day I went 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep but the couple saw me so I panicked and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I went into 7eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and tried to stab him. 10 god he ran away.So I put the 9 back and paid for the 8 and then I left 7eleven. Next day, I called my boss and said that I was 6. He said, "5, tomorrow also no neeed to come back 4 work." He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1
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Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.
Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell.
A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.
Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.
Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it's the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you're wrong this time. The fart came out from my ASSEHOLE!
The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates...
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A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
she replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents.
"The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes,"she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair that was all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and slept with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She blurted out, "The son of a bitch used coins!"
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This joke is no offence......
One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport.
After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.
When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Ang Moh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. But lady still keep asking for forty cents in Cantonese.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked,"Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.
The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and had sex with her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" he said "OK! I'll suck it for you" and he took her both breasts and suck them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD.... in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,"the Ang Moh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The Ang Moh replied,"Not too long, just 6 inches only.
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A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleasd since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear
"Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
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Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift.
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," Bill replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
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The male colleague had just boarded the train at Orchard MRT Station. He found a seat facing a woman and her 5 year old son (estimated). He soon realised that the boy was pestering his mum to bring him to the toilet.
His mum whispered to him to hold on until Bugis station. He reluctantly obeyed. After another station, he started begging to visit the loo again. At raised voice, his mum commanded to sit and behave himself. He sheepishly sat down but could only hold on for another station before springing up to announce that he was going to pee on the ground if not taken to the toilet immediately. Completely annoyed, his mum threatened to give him a spank.
Needless to say, all eyes were upon them by now. How can a woman be that tough on a little child? Unable to hold on any longer, the boy suggested in Mandarin, "Mummy, you open your mouth and let me shi shi (Pee/Urine) inside", Mum said, "don't talk nonsense, or I'll really smack you"
Boy said, "why daddy can, I cannot!!!???"Ma,"..!!!....."
She alighted at the next stop.
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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man."Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. " Yes I will," replied the student.
He then took a seat and began writing.After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with! a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last even questions wrong......
(Lols...The teacher is pervertic nia!)
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Once, there was the bao & and the magiee mee family. Both of them were enemies and everytime when the bao sees the magiee mee, they will punch the magiee mees.
One day, a spagetti was walking down the streets, when the bao saw the spagetti, the bao punched the spagetti really hard.
Furious, the spagetti shouted, "im also not magiee mee! Why punch me!"
The bao replied, "dont think just because you rebornded your hair, i dont recognise you!
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A boy sat on his grandmother car and ask how old was she. Grandmother said "you shouldnt ask adults their age!"
So the boy ask his friend his friend told him to look at the driving lisence.
The next day the boy sit on his grandmother car again, then he told her,
" Grandma i know you are 69 years old and you got an F IN SEX!"
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Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
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there was an american, a chinese, a singaporean and a banglah on a plane.
the plane was descending rapidly so the pilot ordered everyone to throw off heavy stuff to maintain stability on the plane.so the american threw a whole sack of gold bars off the plane.
the singaporean asked: why u throw all that gold away?
the american answered: aiyah! back in america i have a lot more.
then the chinese threw all his antiques away.
again, the singaporean asked: why u throw all those antiques away?
the chinese answered: aiyah! back in china i have a lot more!
so the singaporean threw the banglah off the plane.
the american and chinese both shouted: WHY U THROW THE BANGLAH OFF THE PLANE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
the singaporean answered: aiyah! relac! bak in singapore got a lot more!
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Two children were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test!
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Alright," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!"
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A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this.
One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
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Wahahas. Hope you enjoy this as much as me. Copy and Paste until like siao then suddenly got problem. I thought that Blogger save it actomatically but hor, only save halfway. So, copy, paste and edit all over again. You wont believe that i spent 1 hour on this. -.-
